Strange Little Girl

Well, it looks like my grunt work at my job has finally paid off .. at least for a little while.  As of  Monday, I'll no longer be taking calls and I'll be working as an assistant in one of the administrative departments.   It's only temporary, but anything that takes me off the production floor is worth it.    I'm not quite sure what I'll be doing .. I have a sort of vague idea.  Should be interesting.   I'm just past my probation at work, so getting this already is a very good thing.   There's at least some chance that it could last longer than they are saying right now, and I've got my name in for a few other off-the-phone positions...so yay for me!   This is pretty exciting ... I got woken up this morning by a phone call offering me the job.

In other news, I found out that the company I was working at before I left Edmonton got bought out recently.  Apparently it's not nearly as good a place to work as it was when I was there.  (That may be a horrible understatement.)  I guess I got out just in time.  I'm glad that I can remember it as a place that I really enjoyed working, but I really feel for the people I worked with ...what a blow.  

I know things like this happen, but it's just so strange to think of it happening.  I guess I thought the company would go on the way it was for a long time.  ...just...weird.

I suppose I should mention my health here..I know I wrote before that I was having some health issue that took me into the ER.  I ended up having to go in a second time, but that was much more productive.  The pain issues are well under control now, and I don't feel like I'm going to rip my insides out.   Woo!

I'm tired...and rambly...I should stop and just stare at the screen.

When something like the college shooting in Montreal happens, I can't help dwelling on it...asking the questions we all ask.  Why did this happen? How could someone do something like that?  These questions and all sorts of ideas and images go through my mind, and as much as I want to ignore it, it's impossible.  

I hate that something like this happened.  I hate it on so many levels.   I hate that things like this happen and make people afraid.  I hate that someone thought something would be accomplished by gunning down people.  I hate the way the news obsesses about it and paints yet another portrait of someone dark and troubled that we should fear .. it feeds into a nasty cycle.   While most Canadians were thinking of Lepine when this happened, I was thinking of Columbine.   We all have our memories .. I was just out of high school when it happened ...a year or so older than the kids.   I happened to be taking a class on abnormal psychology that semester ... you can imagine what we discussed. 

I think what disturbs me most is that when I read about the gunman, I recognize something of myself and my loved ones in him.   ...and I ask myself, "What would it take for me to go from where I'm at now to where he was?"   I don't know if it's comforting or disturbing that I don't have an answer for that.   I just don't understand it .. I understand what it's like to be alone, to be disgusted with the world at times, to be suicidal. ..but I don't understand how shooting a bunch of random people can ever be seen as an impulse one should act on.  

Perhaps he just snapped .. no impulse control, no thought for the repercussions of his actions, just a burning rage that blocked out all thought.

Or perhaps he was suicidal and rather than just kill himself, he wanted to take people with him.   I think on some level he must have been suicidal .. or at least didn't care at all if he died.  Maybe he wanted to die in a way that he would be remembered.

It's the pure and utter selfishness of an act like this that makes me angry.   I can understand, but not necessarily condone, violence for a cause.  

But things like this make me wonder not just at the failings and frailty of one human mind ... but at the failings of us as a whole, as a society ...how is it that someone can be so isolated and so hateful that they don't care about the effects of their actions ..or that they hope to destroy others like this.   What did we do that set the stage for this?  What could we have done better? 

How can we do better?

My writing feels stilted, lacking the life of the ideas in my head. It's as though in fitting them to words, I have only managed the barest snapshots. This frustration is why my writing only happens in short fits. Deep dissatisfaction mars what I read. It's as though I've taken a sunset and turned it into a fruit loop. I know I have more in me than what I've written, but a paralyzing fear grips me when I attempt to write in the way that feels most natural. My ideas, instead of being freed by my words, are made captive.

V for Vendetta ... one of my current favorite movies. I was absolutely fascinated by the interrogation scene in it, partially because it wasn't the real thing.


Oh, for Evey it was real enough, but there were telltale signs to an observant eye. But what a gift V gave her in it. That was what drew me. Poor Evey goes through this transformation because she faces the things she is most afraid of and lives. ...and I found myself almost jealous of the character.


I'm a fearful person .. it's not something I'm proud of and it's something I have to conquer every day. Perhaps it's why I like to play with fear in certain aspects of my life. Part of me wants something like that .. not a real interrogation, but an event that effects me so violently as the interrogation did Evey. To be stripped of the illusions I hold of myself and what is important, and then to rebuild.


But there were reasons other than conquering Evey's fear for V to do this thing ... It was a way of showing Evey what formed him. Explaining what happened to him would never really let her understand him in the way this would. He was letting her inside him, behind his mask, in a very real way.


And in the end ... V was proud of her, so proud of her for not breaking. It was that pride in her that drove him to push and push, but in the end, Evey found that one fragile inch.


(of course, he could have just done it all to see if she would break .. and if she had, killed her...but I think the above motivations are more interesting)


x-posted to my b.com blog

I suck...anyone who might have been reading my blog has probably long since disappeared. I never remember to write on it, and I rarely have the time.

I have been doing some writing lately, and I just posted some of it on Fiction Press, so check that out if you want. http://www.fictionpress.com/~qxyr

I think the reason I don't keep a blog is that I simply don't know what to write. I think about lots of things, but I just never put them down in writing.

Here's a fun little tidbit though. I've been having some health problems, and I'm waiting to get in to get tests done. (GRRR!) It's a pain issue, and so I went to the ER when it got bad one day. Now...one might think that they would do the test then. This would be a logical thought. ..but this is not what happened. They examined me and said "Yep, you're in a hell of a lot of pain ...let's give you an addictive drug and not do the test." I should have argued with them, but I was too spaced out and IN PAIN to do that. So now I'm in pain and on painkillers...which do very little for the pain and make me spacey...but at least I can make it to work. *sigh*

The only good thing that might come out of this is perhaps my doctor will help convince the powers that be that I should be sterilized...but at this moment, I'm feeling pretty skeptical about that.

This is a bit delayed, but I simply haven't had a chance to write about things that have happened.


On Tuesday morning, we left from a friend's house to go to the airport. We had had about 3 hours of sleep, and the weather was cold and rainy. The visibility driving out to the airport was horrible. We had a rental car, and since I wasn't sure how easily we could maneuver all of our luggage to departures from the drop-off point, I left my cohort and our kitty with all the luggage at departures. Just as I was pulling away to take the car back, I saw our suitcases and cat crate (with the cat in it) tumble to the ground. It was not an auspicious start to the day ...


After nearly leaving the airport and coming back to return the car, I finally found my way to departures. (I discovered that there were plenty of luggage carts where I dropped off the car...guess that's something for me to remember) When I got there, upon inspection of the cat crate, we found that one corner of it was cracked. Blah...poor kitty. I'm sure she was not impressed at being flipped upside down. We were worried that they wouldn't take her in the cracked crate.


Anyway, we checked in after that with all of our luggage. We had to take the cat to over-sized luggage, take her OUT of the crate so they could scan it, and then somehow convince her to get back IN the crate. Then there was the whole security thing. My cohort managed to get stopped by the metal detector. He had a few metal things, and then it kept beeping over his pocket. He couldn't figure out what it was until he pulled a condom wrapper from his pocket ... that was rather amusing. At least, it is now .. at the time, it was irritating.


We waited for our flight to Calgary (our $7 flight, but that's another story.) When we finally got going, the take-off was quite rough. The plane seemed to drag as it lifted into the air, and once we were past the worst of the take off, we hit some scary turbulence. It was a pretty bad flight, and we basically went up and back down. It wasn't long enough for us to get used to flying, so we were in bad shape for the next flight.


The flight from Calgary to Halifax was much nicer though. The plane was much bigger with monitors in the seat in front of us. We got to watch TV, but didn't buy headsets...silly us. It was a five hour flight. The headsets might have been a good idea, but we wanted to be able to talk. The really cool thing about the monitors was that one channel had a map of where we were at, the speed the plane was going, and the altitude. We peaked out at about 41,500 feet! It was cloudy over most of the prairies, but we got to see some of Northern Ontario and Quebec, plus of course, Nova Scotia as we were descending. We saw an impressively large red beach on the way in.


We managed to get our luggage and cat without too much mishap, although the cat was nearly OUT of her crate because it was broken. We took a cab to our apartment building, but sadly the landlady wasn't there. It all worked out though because we called her and got into our apartment.


That first night was hard though. I didn't have the proper cable for my computer, and I needed to do somethings online. I'm also totally dependent on the internet, so I needed it for comfort. We both just felt so out of sorts and exhausted...but some pizza and sleep helped that. The apartment is TINY, but quite nice. I don't think the cat understands being in such a small place. She explored it all the first day and has been looking at me ever since as though she's wondering where the rest is.


I don't have any pictures yet, but if anyone wants me to, I'll send postcards.

Well, we're here. It's beautiful, cold, and windy. I really don't have the focus to write a real entry right now, so I'll try to do that later.

I do have a job that I'll be starting in a little over a week, and until then, we'll be roaming all over the area to get a feel for it.

*yawns* But, right now, my feet hurt and my comfy chair is calling me.

I can't seem to settle on a layout for my journal..so..I keep changing it. Let me know if it becomes unreadable at any point. (It's not *just* right, so I must keep messing with it.)

Anyway, last day of work today. I did get to say goodbye to most people and wandered out with a couple of nice letters of reference in my bag. I have to say that leaving my job was probably the hardest part about moving. It's a good job, and the people there are great (you know you all are!). I've promised to keep in touch, which I'm horrible at, but I will try.

On to some of the "good" advice I got today:
-Call everyone in Halifax "Fucking Newfies"
-Don't eat seaweed
-To let my cat ride the tire of the car. (Nevermind that we're flying out)
-Don't eat the yellow snow (okay, that IS good advice I guess)

Any more advice?

I'm tired and a little down right now .. between the two strawberry margaritas and the goodbyes, I'm feeling exhausted. I'm not quite sure what needs to be done right now. I think I need to get all the stuff that we're getting rid of out of the apartment, so I can see what's left.

And tomorrow..it's car rental time and we're off to a BBQ for the afternoon.

We're really getting close now. Tomorrow is my last day of work. A month ago, it seemed like it would never come, but now it's here. It feels really weird.

I'm completely and totally bored at work because I've trained my replacement. I'm having to force myself *not* to do the work I've taught her to do. (Lookie! Work! Must do! .. no...let her do the work. *sigh*)

I managed to get my wardrobe down to one suitcase last night by packing up three garbage bags of clothes. How do I have that many clothes? Most of them I won't even miss.

Ack..busy phones! Gotta go!

It snowed today ... um...yeah. That was strange and disturbing. The wind made the windows shake at work, and when you're on the 17th floor, it's just a little creepy.

BUT ... a week from today, we'll be in Halifax! We've been getting rid of so much stuff that I think we'll barely have to ship anything and our suitcases won't be quite full. It's been hard to see a lot of it go, but it's been good. I had a lot of stuff that I didn't even realize was there, and a lot of things that I do want that I forgot about. Maybe if I don't have so much stuff, I'll appreciate those things better.

I still don't have anything nailed down as far as a job, but I have a couple of good leads and an assessment scheduled for the Thursday after we get there. The job part of this is, of course, the most stressful part, but I can get an okay job quickly, and find something better if I need to.

It's so strange the difference it makes not having the computer and desk in the apartment. We both feel more motivated to do things, although the laptop is lots of fun.

I'm getting back into writing again, even if it is just a half a page of my story. I just haven't made the time to think about my stories enough to write them well .. and invariably, when I do have the time to think about them, I can't write because I'm supposed to be working or something.

..I had other things to write about, but I'm terribly sleepy and spacey, so I had better go to bed.